Chapter 7

Laura sat quietly watching Rose prepare dinner. The unease of the situation felt like a lump in her stomach churning her insides into a curdled mess. Laura’s self destructive tendencies had usually gone unnoticed. She would break down, act stupid, then move on without anyone knowing how horrible things had become. She had learned early in life that keeping people at a distance was key to survival. Living in a world where family did not exist and the people who cared for you were forever changing, it was better to not be attached. Hiding behaviour was about survival. No one could know how broken she was, the fear of being abandoned by those who, although they did not care, were at least present, terrified her. The thought of the next week terrified her. Rose had seen what no one else ever had - just how broken Laura was.With dinner in the oven, Rose came to the table with the makings of a salad, handing a cutting board and knife to Laura and keeping the same for herself. The two women sat silently chopping vegetables and placing them into a bowl neither making eye contact with the other. With the salad complete, Rose looked over at Laura and smiled,“Thank you for helping with dinner.”Dinner was quiet. Laura had so many thoughts and fears running through her head that she worried about speaking. Rose saw that Laura needed time to fully understand the situation she was in. Having been a doctor in the city for years before moving to the country, Rose had seen the Laura type before - highly successful career, yet a broken human. It was all too common. The weekends brought in drug over doses, alcohol poisoning, and suicide attempts by people the world envied. Rose had seen the pain of the socially perfect and had felt for all those who she had sat with in the past. The pressure was too much to bear to keep up that type of persona day in and day out. It was exhausting.After cleaning up from dinner, Rose suggested that they go to bed early, the night before had been rough for both of them. Sleep was the last thing that Laura wanted to do, but she nodded her agreement, retired to the guest bedroom, and struggled to sleep in the quietness of the lake. Eventually the rhythmic sounds of the bullfrog calls lulled her into a deep sleep.Laura startled awake. Quietness. Dark shadows abound, yet quietness. Laura lay there, unable to move, using the small amount of strength that she had to continue breathing shallow short breaths. The world stopped, no longer existed, silent shadows were all that remained. She realized that she had fallen when she attempted to stand, but none of that mattered. The floor was such a safe place. She could be small, insignificant, and stay out of sight. Under the bed, where so much of her life had been spent hiding was a refuge. Curled up quietly and tightly enough and maybe you won’t be found. Stay small and you are harder to pull out; grab a hold of.Little streams of light from the moon cast shadows over the walls and floor. Shadows that are so innocuous, but can be so scary at the same time. Was it real, was he there? Please don’t let the shadow move, please make it stay still. They all looked like aliens. Not quite real, but real all the same. Sneaking into people’s rooms at night to drag them away – bright lights, rushing, quiet.Panic set in, she bit her hand to keep from screaming all the while curling up tighter and shaking uncontrollably. Have to be quiet, have to relax, just relax, RELAX! Word screamed through her head and she was unable get them out. It was loud, scary. Thoughts rushed through her head curl up tighter, tighter. Tight is safe. She felt the blackout whirls across her eyes and fought with all her might not to let it happen. Making her way to the kitchen, still panicked, breathing hard and spinning, her eyes went to the knife block on the counter. A practice that she had learned long ago but rarely felt the need to use.A small slice and the burn helped her body relax. Tension gone she slowed her breathing and sat there watching to make sure she had not gone too far. Her head was clear and she checked the cut – just deep enough to hurt, not deep enough to not heal….and thankful, in a place no one will notice. It was ok now. Calm now. Over. Her body slid down the sides of the cabinets onto the cold tiles of the floor. Slow paced breaths, slight cries, quiet. It was over now.She stood up and quietly washed the knife hoping to replace it secretly so that no one knew what had happened, but as she turned from the sink she saw Rose standing there, arms crossed, leaning on the door frame of the kitchen. Rose stood there clenching her teeth,“Anything to say before I speak my mind?” Rose said, looking as if her hair was about to catch fire from rage.The girl stood silent, scared, biting her bottom lip staring blankly directly at this kind woman who was enveloped with anger.“It’s not that bad….I had to” the girl whispered hoping that her quietness would calm the fiery.But the rage in the woman just grew – the girl watched as the woman’s teeth clinched.“Sit, now. Not another word” was all that was said as the woman pointed to a chair in the corner of the kitchen.The girl slowly crept across the floor, never letting her gaze move from the woman’s face. She had messed up. This caring woman who has taken her in without even knowing her was about to give up on her, kick her out and leave her alone to rot. She looked at the chair, then at the woman,“I said sit. I am not going to ask you again.”The girl sat shaking, afraid and unsure of what exactly was going on. The woman turned on the sink and began washing the dishes that had been left soaking from dinner. Quietly humming to herself, she looked over her shoulder a couple times in the direction of the now crying girl. Time passed and the girl grew more and more upset finally screaming out,“Why am I sitting here! If you are mad just yell at me already, kick me out already, tell me to leave!”The woman turned fully around this time,“I said not another word…was I not clear?”The girl stood up about to shout again but was halted in her tracks,“SIT! NOW!”Sitting back down, the girl hugged her knees rocking and sobbing. The woman finished up the dishes, looked at her watch, sighed, then proceeded to sit at the kitchen table picking up a magazine on her way, mumbling something about 5 minutes. The girl lifted her head from her knees looking puzzled,“Five minutes, and I have to go?”The woman shook her head,“No, 5 minutes and you can get up and go back to bed.”Growing more and more confused Laura blurted out,“Why can’t I just go to bed now, it’s not like I’m in time out or something crazy like that. I’m a grown adult!”“Crazy, huh? You had a temper tantrum, a very self destructive one, but still a temper tantrum…I’m not going to sit here trying to rationalize with a temper tantrum.”The girl grew angrier clenching her fist as her rage grew she grabbed whatever was beside her and threw it hard against the wall, thankfully it didn’t break and just bounced down towards the woman’s feet.“Five minutes not long enough for you to calm yourself down?”The girl growled this frustrated groan and began pouting. Who did this woman think she was, making her sit here time-out-style like a child, and more so, why the hell was she still sitting here! She could get up if she wanted to, she was so angry she just wanted to get up, but she sat there, not moving, and anger turned slowly into sadness as quiet tears began streaming down her cheeks. Rose sat quietly not reacting to any of it, humming to herself, reading the magazine she looked up every so often to check on the girl, but never said a word. Five minutes passed. The girl’s breathing began to slow, her rage lessened and her sobs became little whimpers. Rose stood and walked over to the girl, placing a hand on her head she quietly said,“Back to bed, ok?”Rose walked with the girl down the hallway towards the bedroom. The girl walked almost in a trance, unsure what to do. She wanted to run, wanted to scream but want so much more to be cared for. She was scared. Truly scared of what she had become. Years of hiding who she was, creating a person, had worn her spirit. She had grown accustom to the mask she wore. It was what kept her alive. She realized that Rose was now holding her up. Her legs barely moved. She was still sobbing. Her body had taken over from her mind finally collapsing under the weight of her reality. Rose helped the girl into bed and sat down beside her. Curled into a ball the girl continued to quietly sob her head so filled with thoughts that she felt dizzy trying to make sense of them. Rose began rubbing her back and the girl wanted to scream out – she hated being touched, but she couldn’t...it was a comfort that she hadn’t felt in years. Reassurance that she wasn’t alone in carrying her burden. She was safe in that moment. She didn’t need to protect herself, but let go knowing that she was being kept safe.