Chapter 9

Reading, watching the news, or even simple water cooler chat had become lessons in avoiding landmines. Everyone had an opinion, but most were not based on fact. They did not understand the circumstances, nor could they ever image what it would be like to be on the other side of the debate. Questions like “why bring it up after so many years” was just absurd if they had any context. The presumption that just because “charges weren’t laid” all those years ago meant innocence was so flawed. What it really meant, or what it feels like to so many, is that no one wanted to admit what happened. No one wanted to see the disgustingness of it all. Instead, lets not talk about it and move on. The problem is that there is no moving on for the damaged one. What happened fundamentally changes who that person is to become. Trust is gone. The ability to feel safe is gone. The assumption becomes that someone will hurt you instead of love you. There’s no moving on. Life changes forever. Everyday is not what it should have been, but instead becomes what it has to be. Life moves to hurt and hate. Life is a question of survival, not living.Laura knew the truth of it all. The daily struggle to push to the top of anything knowing how flawed she was. How could someone so damaged ever be respected? She knew that the only way was to be twice as good, to put aside any and all feeling, and push to the top. Don’t care about those around you, but use them as pawns to get where you need to be. But sitting on the floor, gasping for air through her tears, she didn’t feel that way. Maybe the damage had finally broke her, maybe it all became so much that she came crashing down, or maybe she had grown too tired, finally falling under her own weight.Rose held her tight waiting for her sobs to subside. Her heart ached for the girl knowing that the pain must be too much for her to continue to bear - the weight of her burden forcing her deeper into a bog that enveloped her soul. Smoothing the girl’s hair, Rose spoke softly,“I’ve got you and won’t let go, I promise you that, I won’t let you go. What happened to you, sweet girl? Don’t carry this burden on your own.”Laura tried to steady her breathing but any attempts were met with hiccups, coughing and retching. No one knew the secrets she kept. The pain that she felt that kept her weak, scared, and alone. What had she done? She cried for her pain, she cried for being weak, she cried for the death of her soul, her happiness, her person. Laura knew there was no return from this point. She had messed up too badly, shown how damaged she truly was. No one was going to want her back at work if this got out. She knew none of her employees would ever respect her again and that investors would pull out. She was done. Over. Finished. Years of covering up her flaws had failed in one horrid night that had now turned into days of confusing pain.Rose tried her best to comfort Laura begging her to let her know what had happened, what had brought her to this point, and Laura finally replied through gasping sobs,“I was nine,” Laura trying to continue the sentence but fell into gasping sobs, Rose held her tighter and a softly replied, “I understand. You don’t need to say anything else.”Rose’s heart ached knowing all to well what the girl had tried to say. It was unfortunate that in this world no one even had to speak an entire truth for other women to know what they were saying. A generation that had been kept quiet through the shame of being blamed. No matter how young, there were always the whispers and questions, but more honestly, the shame of knowing that you were somehow responsible for letting yourself become damaged goods. There was no undoing that act, no escaping, and healing. You would forever be a bowl of jello that was stirred - yes you will reset, but you will never be the smooth solid figure you were before.Laura began to rock, hugging her knees, the sobs turning to quiet hiccups. Rose stayed with her offering the comfort that only someone who truly understood her pain could provide and after a while began to tell Laura her own story,“I left the city after it happened because I knew there was no coming back from it. Maybe I was young and naive to not realize what was about to happen, but over the years I’ve learned that it is not my fault. I was 26 and he was nearly 50, a well respected surgeon, and I just began my practice in family medicine. It had been a really trying day in the clinic, so I thought nothing of it when he suggested that we order in dinner while we finished up charting notes. I resisted, he warned me he could ruin me, and in that sense, he kept his word. No one believed that such a kind man would do something like that. His words had more value than mine. Leaving was my only option and moving to this small town where trying to get a full time family doctor was tough, I was welcomed without questions.”Rose rubbed the girls back hoping that she understood that she was not alone - that no matter what age you were, if you were with a group of women, someone could relate, someone could tell their story. It was sad that so many women never made it that far. So many felt alone, thinking that they were the only ones hurting that undeniable, yet unbelievable pain, holding their secret story for as long as they could before it utterly destroyed who they were.“We’ll figure out moving forward. There is always a way,” Rose promised and for the first time in her life, Laura believed that maybe there was a way out.